im scared. im scared of everything. im scared to let people in, and im scared to let people out. i talk about how i want to meet new people, make new friends. im to scared to let them actually be friends. i have people from the past who hurt me but keep coming back and im scared to let them go because they are what im used to. that are what i've lived with, dealt with. im scared of the unknown. im a coward when it comes to relationships. im scared to put myself out there from all of the rejection in the past. im scared to let someone see me cry, because i will be vulnerable. im scared to let someone know im angry, because im vulnerable. im scared to lose every single person in my life. i can jump out of a fucking plane 13,000 feet but when it comes to emotions and real shit im fucking scared. im scared for kevin leaving. im scared to start a job because i may be bad at it. im scared to speak in a crowd larger then 4 or 5.

but im doing it. and im trying at it.
so that has to show for something right?

whats the point of being a hopeless romantic. HOPELESS is right in the couple of words. your hoping one day the man of your dreams is going to sweep you off your feet passionately kiss you that makes your skin tingle all over the place. He'll stare at you from across the room while you are elegantly laughing with a friend. He'll watch you as your sleeping and wonder how he gets so lucky. He'll brag to all his friends how fricken awesome his girlfriend is. He will be able to tell you why he loves you,or write you the most romantic things ever. He'll be able to express himself.
But quite frankely, i dont believe this man exists. The man who started out bad and ended up realizing he was wrong and changes. The man who never ever believed in marriage but at the end of the movie gets married. These men who are depicted in these movies are fake. They feel so real when you watching them, they warm our hearts, they win us over. But at end of the story, you are elft feeling lost. because this man doesnt live. In real life, there is barely time to passionately kiss one another since everything is rushed. If you do, then it means you want sex, or you get question or told no not now. These days, guys are staring at toher girls across the room at the girls who are laughing with their breasts hanging out of their shirts falling on the ground drunk. These days the men fall asleep before you do and end up snoring in their sleep. People dont change, and old romance is out the window. We are of the 21st century kind of love now. These movies tho, they set you up in this fantasy worl and they make you believe that hey this could happen. Sure everybody deserves this kind of love. realisticly though its still fake.
now for me, i would surely fall for a guy like this i would. He sounds perfect. But in the end i would be bored. i definately think i would get bored. sure he sounds perfect but i like the silly fights i have with my boyfriend. the fact that he elbows me in the face about 10 times a month irnoically all on accident. or the fact that around his friends he's a chill guy, but around me he's all cuddly and mushy. I love the fact that he's a dork and he's fully confident with himself. i love that he offers me anything that would make me happy. that he listens to me no matter how many times im upset over something. i love that when i say im crying he'll drop everything to talk to me until im ok to get off the phone. if i havnt eaten he'll make me something or make me eat even when im lieing and saying im not hungry. i love the way he get's excited for the most stupidest things, and he'll get excited for me. he is interested in where my life is headed. i love the way our bodies feel together. or the way when he hugs me from behind and kisses me on my neck it sends shivers all around my body. or whne he grabs me, or touches me, or holds my hand and im just not expecting it my stomach is dancing with butterflies. its the way we are togehter. its the way he makes me feel. he takes me for who i am and even if i cant accept that he still loves me. i have so many flaws and he still acepts me. as hard as it may be, i accept that his road leads him in oneonta and mine does not. i accept that fact that he cant tell me why he's in love with me, i accept that he has no shame for farting like a trumbone. im not perfect, im moody and insecure at times. i have ad a hard ast with peoppleand its hard for me to trust. i love him he loves me. girls want prince charming, guys want the hot supermodel from the movie. but when you give up those fantasies you end somewhere in themiddle, you end up with something real. you end up with something perfect. so being that hopeless romantic is pointless. stop waiting around for the perfect guy, stop being hopeless. me myself. im just romantic, i love love, and i love my man, forhis imperfections, for everything.

i dont know what to do. i was put into a bad situation with a friend. she blocked me and lied to me but claims thats all flase. and i judt dont know what to think. i dont know if i can trust er or not and if my efforts are even worth putting toward hat if shes going to pull a petty act like that. i'm 20 years old and i just wish that i can fall upon friends that are mature enough to tell me when they are upset with me, cancel plans cause something else came up, someone with courage or even enough respect. i find that in people who are much older so i dont know if im asking for to much. i was watching a movie in creative writing, about his guy who just left. burned his money , left his car, got a backpack and started walking.left everything behind him. it wa shim and the outside. He hitched hicked, paddle down white waters, worked on a farm thing, lived in alaska on a deserted bus. i dont know. i watch these movies and wish i can have moment like he has tha could be as rich as that. that could be truthful to me. i want truth, i want answers, i want clarity, i want to be free from haveing to deal with this and i iwll get there one day. ill meet friends who are respectful and so on and so forth.

i've been in this continual good mood and im throughly enjoying it. maybe cause its the fact that spring is comign soona nd there has been tons of sunlight and warmer weather lately. Or maybe it's the fact that i have been hanging out with a bestfriend that i havent seen or talked to in forever because of differences. Maybe its the fact that im getting closer to kevin and i appreciate him more and more each day. i appreciate everything more and more each day. whatever it is im glad im in this mood and i plan on making it stay. I've been trying to look at things differently . like kevin going to oneonta. I was thinking of it as hey my boyfriend is leaving me, i wont see him a lot at all long distant relationship never last. but ive been thinking about it and really ill get to spend weekends with him, we'll get webcams and talk and see eachother. technology has made it very easy for this to work. so i feel better about things. and ive been thinking postively about liek everything which i know i should do already but i dont. im just happier right now and i like it.

theres a kid in my tennis class who i went to school with. when i talked to him today it seemed as if he was high but i highly doubt he was. he looked as if he just smoked enough pot and burnt himself out. is eyes were heavy and he talked super slow and he was just not with it and i thought it was a super sad. he was a big jock in my school very on top of his game had a lot of friends and so on. and for the first time today i felt sorry for him, i had this different kind of confidence ad it makes me feel sad for him. i dont know.i wish people didnt get burned out

ok so i have this friend who considers every single living girl to be a psycho. we all are irrational, every single one of us. he even went as far to say that he would totally go for guys if he could get it up for them, but he's attracted to women. what i dont understand is why women all over are considered pyscho and the things guys do are ignored because we turn out tobe worse. nono. let's not forget the guys here and the crazy mind games they play with us to turn us into crazy. guys all over are controlling jealous have to show up te guy next to me crazy. i had a girl in my class a couple years ago where the guy wouldnt let his girlfriend wear a pair of jeans. he played emotionally with her mind and got her t change eveyrthing about her. There are guys all over where the girl is only allowed to talk to him, if she talks to another guy for a second omg its hell. how about the guys who can say they love you just to have sex. im sorry but any of these sound kind of mental to me. i just want to point out the you guys, are just the same amount of psycho as us girls. None of us are to be blamed though. every single one of us have an issue. i hate being grouped as a pyscho girl because i try hard to be sane. i try hard to be chilled out. yes every now and then i have my moments but c;mon we all do. whatever. everyones a fucking psycho end of issue.

so if i believed in higher powers, like people who control what happens, (which i dont) but if i did, i would just like to say HEY FUCK YOU! along with a string of other things that has a colorful variety of words. i dont know why but i feel as if i have been picked out among everyone to have shitty things happen to me. well i really dont appreciate it kay? the whole get screwed over at work on valentines day okay. so what i called out the next day did i really deserve the whole hey, lets fracture her wrist so she cant work, or dog groom, or have any fun at all. did you have to make his acceptance happen during thistime when im already upset when you could have wiated maybe like 3 weeks, did you ahve to spill grape juice all over my pants, did you have to have the biggest snowfall in the past three years the one time i have a cast on so i cant sled or play in the snow. you let my boss give me a hard time, i no onger have someone to hang out with on spring break, and to top everything off, you had someone rear end me today make me late for class and when i got there, of course she didnt accept it. so fuck this month fuck any higher power. i feel the minutei find myself standing again you push me right back down but i hope you realize im always gonna get back up so hopefully you'll get the point to leave me aloneee