i need to find my place. i need to find somewhere im comfortable. some place i liek to be. i need to do something for me. im living my life at the sake of others.

so i hate society. with all its twisting regulations, morals, and rules and people who live to lie and cheat. Sick of people who are put high in charge who have sick minds and are absolutely horrible people. Tell me how a drug addict women who has no where to live no job no money can fill out prescirptions through a drugstore of oxycotton every two weeks without being questioned. but a person who is severally in trouble or dying cannot recieve help if they lack insurance. tell me why when a women is raped the first question is what was she wearing as if that its her fault. Because she was wearing a skirt a man had t force her to have sex with her, make that women whose life has beeen ruined feel a little bit more shamed. Why are there ungrateful people everywhere taking everything that have for granted. rich little kids running around complaining about a car they were given as a present because it wasnt the one they wanted when there are kids like me scraping my own money working full time over a summer just to make it by. i have absolutely no patience for those who think of themselves as someone better then the rest. for the people who think the dont have to wait on line, for the people who treat service like shit, for the people who dump on people who go to lower schools then them. i cant stand you, and you are the reason this world is going downhill.

i havnt written in a long time and it kind of bothers me. i feel like i have no time to do it though. anyway, schools over and im happy about that. its officially summer and im all ready for it. it's super crummy out right now so its kind of bringing me down. but i have my friends home and this summer should be interesting. on another note my kitten is insane, so insane in fact that im pretty sure my mom isnt interested in getting a puppy so thats a bummer. umm not mch has changed i dont know.

i gots a new kitty :o) she's so cute and crazy i love her. it's cheered me up a lot. a little added stress but its worth it. i'm getting a puppy soon. a golden retriever, we've wanted it forever. im so excited. i love animals. i'm currently trying to get a job in a pet store or something of the sort. it's not easy right now cause no one is hiring :o( its okay tho ill find something eventually. :o)

so0o0o0o stressed.
need school to be over, and
to give me back my sanity.

i love my family they're funny.
i hate bitches.
i need to do something about hating pot since everyone i know smokes.
i need to stop over thinking every single thing, i need to become simple minded.
i dont want to go to work and miss this nice weather.
i do want to get drunk this weekend and let loose.
i cant wait to get my puppy and kitten!
i can wait for the exspenses.
in class we had to do this excercise where we listed 5 things we liked about life and existence and earth and what not, then list 5 things we hated. like for and against. it was ineresting. and i liked it, just sharing.
my mind is all over sooooo goodnight

im going through a thing again. i just keep coming across that upset me, make me jealous, or something or the other. i want to find peace. i want to have summer. i want to get outta here.

each day i lose a little bit more faith in such a thing as every lasting love. i dont know, every day i hear something messed up and i cant even believe. about people i know and dont know. from cheating to lieing to being a completely different person. i hate it i truly do. not only do people cheat, they are not ashamed , they dont even care. i cant stand it. it makes me think its must be so hard to stay ina relationship. i used to be the most optimistic person you met. i cant say i am anymore. i wish i was though.

i think weather has a rediculous effect on my moood

i hate how hard trusting someone can be. when your young, trust comes so natrually, you dont worry about someone lieing to you, somones cheating on you, somone stabbing you in the back. these dont exist. until your hurt, and then you just cant trust anyone, even the ones who deserve it to come natraully. i can truly say the only people i trust without haveing any type of doubt is my family. my mom my dad and my brothers. thats it. everyone else i second guess and i will alwas second guess. because since i was a naive kid who lived in her world. i trusted everyone. and everyone walked all over me. it's just hard to trust. how can you tell whether or not somoene is lieing to you. how can you call them on it. i see left and right people being lied to or people lieing. how can people do that. i just dont know. it's hard having a boyfriend, in a different state for spring break vacation with a bunch of his bro's and having these issues with trust. and my boyfriend is one of those people who deserves the trust to come naturally, because i know he would never hurt me and he would never do anything to screw this up. but theres always this like voice in the back of my head syaing he could be lieing, why are you trusting you so much, every other girl would be flipping out why arent you so i dont know. dsahfaslkjhdfkaj

i need to get the fuck off long island for a little while. i need a fucking vacation from life a little bit because im a bit exhausted, a bit emotional, cranky as all hell i need to just leave. dskaljh;kgjhf;lkjhgsdlkjhflkajhdfkaljdh

yesterday i celebrated my one year with kevin and it was really nice. we went to robert moses the light house and walked around and then went to the bluffs at smithtown beaches and wlaked the trails. afterwards we went to uncle g's to get things and made a really nice dinner together. and after we went bowling. it was all just really nice and relaxing. i wish it was a nice day out it was all cloudy but whatever. with that being done, im pretty much like idk.

my spring break is this week and i honestly have no where to go and nothng to do and im kinda upset about it. i want to and need to get off this island and i tried and i cant. there are SO many people i know going to freaking florida and i think im just going to hop into a suitcase and go because i cant handle this i havnt been away in forever. bahhh. it really actualy bothers me.

im scared. im scared of everything. im scared to let people in, and im scared to let people out. i talk about how i want to meet new people, make new friends. im to scared to let them actually be friends. i have people from the past who hurt me but keep coming back and im scared to let them go because they are what im used to. that are what i've lived with, dealt with. im scared of the unknown. im a coward when it comes to relationships. im scared to put myself out there from all of the rejection in the past. im scared to let someone see me cry, because i will be vulnerable. im scared to let someone know im angry, because im vulnerable. im scared to lose every single person in my life. i can jump out of a fucking plane 13,000 feet but when it comes to emotions and real shit im fucking scared. im scared for kevin leaving. im scared to start a job because i may be bad at it. im scared to speak in a crowd larger then 4 or 5.

but im doing it. and im trying at it.
so that has to show for something right?

whats the point of being a hopeless romantic. HOPELESS is right in the couple of words. your hoping one day the man of your dreams is going to sweep you off your feet passionately kiss you that makes your skin tingle all over the place. He'll stare at you from across the room while you are elegantly laughing with a friend. He'll watch you as your sleeping and wonder how he gets so lucky. He'll brag to all his friends how fricken awesome his girlfriend is. He will be able to tell you why he loves you,or write you the most romantic things ever. He'll be able to express himself.
But quite frankely, i dont believe this man exists. The man who started out bad and ended up realizing he was wrong and changes. The man who never ever believed in marriage but at the end of the movie gets married. These men who are depicted in these movies are fake. They feel so real when you watching them, they warm our hearts, they win us over. But at end of the story, you are elft feeling lost. because this man doesnt live. In real life, there is barely time to passionately kiss one another since everything is rushed. If you do, then it means you want sex, or you get question or told no not now. These days, guys are staring at toher girls across the room at the girls who are laughing with their breasts hanging out of their shirts falling on the ground drunk. These days the men fall asleep before you do and end up snoring in their sleep. People dont change, and old romance is out the window. We are of the 21st century kind of love now. These movies tho, they set you up in this fantasy worl and they make you believe that hey this could happen. Sure everybody deserves this kind of love. realisticly though its still fake.
now for me, i would surely fall for a guy like this i would. He sounds perfect. But in the end i would be bored. i definately think i would get bored. sure he sounds perfect but i like the silly fights i have with my boyfriend. the fact that he elbows me in the face about 10 times a month irnoically all on accident. or the fact that around his friends he's a chill guy, but around me he's all cuddly and mushy. I love the fact that he's a dork and he's fully confident with himself. i love that he offers me anything that would make me happy. that he listens to me no matter how many times im upset over something. i love that when i say im crying he'll drop everything to talk to me until im ok to get off the phone. if i havnt eaten he'll make me something or make me eat even when im lieing and saying im not hungry. i love the way he get's excited for the most stupidest things, and he'll get excited for me. he is interested in where my life is headed. i love the way our bodies feel together. or the way when he hugs me from behind and kisses me on my neck it sends shivers all around my body. or whne he grabs me, or touches me, or holds my hand and im just not expecting it my stomach is dancing with butterflies. its the way we are togehter. its the way he makes me feel. he takes me for who i am and even if i cant accept that he still loves me. i have so many flaws and he still acepts me. as hard as it may be, i accept that his road leads him in oneonta and mine does not. i accept that fact that he cant tell me why he's in love with me, i accept that he has no shame for farting like a trumbone. im not perfect, im moody and insecure at times. i have ad a hard ast with peoppleand its hard for me to trust. i love him he loves me. girls want prince charming, guys want the hot supermodel from the movie. but when you give up those fantasies you end somewhere in themiddle, you end up with something real. you end up with something perfect. so being that hopeless romantic is pointless. stop waiting around for the perfect guy, stop being hopeless. me myself. im just romantic, i love love, and i love my man, forhis imperfections, for everything.

i dont know what to do. i was put into a bad situation with a friend. she blocked me and lied to me but claims thats all flase. and i judt dont know what to think. i dont know if i can trust er or not and if my efforts are even worth putting toward hat if shes going to pull a petty act like that. i'm 20 years old and i just wish that i can fall upon friends that are mature enough to tell me when they are upset with me, cancel plans cause something else came up, someone with courage or even enough respect. i find that in people who are much older so i dont know if im asking for to much. i was watching a movie in creative writing, about his guy who just left. burned his money , left his car, got a backpack and started walking.left everything behind him. it wa shim and the outside. He hitched hicked, paddle down white waters, worked on a farm thing, lived in alaska on a deserted bus. i dont know. i watch these movies and wish i can have moment like he has tha could be as rich as that. that could be truthful to me. i want truth, i want answers, i want clarity, i want to be free from haveing to deal with this and i iwll get there one day. ill meet friends who are respectful and so on and so forth.

i've been in this continual good mood and im throughly enjoying it. maybe cause its the fact that spring is comign soona nd there has been tons of sunlight and warmer weather lately. Or maybe it's the fact that i have been hanging out with a bestfriend that i havent seen or talked to in forever because of differences. Maybe its the fact that im getting closer to kevin and i appreciate him more and more each day. i appreciate everything more and more each day. whatever it is im glad im in this mood and i plan on making it stay. I've been trying to look at things differently . like kevin going to oneonta. I was thinking of it as hey my boyfriend is leaving me, i wont see him a lot at all long distant relationship never last. but ive been thinking about it and really ill get to spend weekends with him, we'll get webcams and talk and see eachother. technology has made it very easy for this to work. so i feel better about things. and ive been thinking postively about liek everything which i know i should do already but i dont. im just happier right now and i like it.

theres a kid in my tennis class who i went to school with. when i talked to him today it seemed as if he was high but i highly doubt he was. he looked as if he just smoked enough pot and burnt himself out. is eyes were heavy and he talked super slow and he was just not with it and i thought it was a super sad. he was a big jock in my school very on top of his game had a lot of friends and so on. and for the first time today i felt sorry for him, i had this different kind of confidence ad it makes me feel sad for him. i dont know.i wish people didnt get burned out

ok so i have this friend who considers every single living girl to be a psycho. we all are irrational, every single one of us. he even went as far to say that he would totally go for guys if he could get it up for them, but he's attracted to women. what i dont understand is why women all over are considered pyscho and the things guys do are ignored because we turn out tobe worse. nono. let's not forget the guys here and the crazy mind games they play with us to turn us into crazy. guys all over are controlling jealous have to show up te guy next to me crazy. i had a girl in my class a couple years ago where the guy wouldnt let his girlfriend wear a pair of jeans. he played emotionally with her mind and got her t change eveyrthing about her. There are guys all over where the girl is only allowed to talk to him, if she talks to another guy for a second omg its hell. how about the guys who can say they love you just to have sex. im sorry but any of these sound kind of mental to me. i just want to point out the you guys, are just the same amount of psycho as us girls. None of us are to be blamed though. every single one of us have an issue. i hate being grouped as a pyscho girl because i try hard to be sane. i try hard to be chilled out. yes every now and then i have my moments but c;mon we all do. whatever. everyones a fucking psycho end of issue.

so if i believed in higher powers, like people who control what happens, (which i dont) but if i did, i would just like to say HEY FUCK YOU! along with a string of other things that has a colorful variety of words. i dont know why but i feel as if i have been picked out among everyone to have shitty things happen to me. well i really dont appreciate it kay? the whole get screwed over at work on valentines day okay. so what i called out the next day did i really deserve the whole hey, lets fracture her wrist so she cant work, or dog groom, or have any fun at all. did you have to make his acceptance happen during thistime when im already upset when you could have wiated maybe like 3 weeks, did you ahve to spill grape juice all over my pants, did you have to have the biggest snowfall in the past three years the one time i have a cast on so i cant sled or play in the snow. you let my boss give me a hard time, i no onger have someone to hang out with on spring break, and to top everything off, you had someone rear end me today make me late for class and when i got there, of course she didnt accept it. so fuck this month fuck any higher power. i feel the minutei find myself standing again you push me right back down but i hope you realize im always gonna get back up so hopefully you'll get the point to leave me aloneee

i dont know what to do. im definately going through something and im getting upset all the time and i dont know why. im like crying constantly and i feel insane. the littlest things are making me upset and this is not who i am. i hate february this always happens. i like the life im living. i love my friends. i love my boyfriend. not so much my job. i dont understand why things like stupid stuff set me off. ugh theres just too much going on right now.

so two more weeks with this god damn cast on. two more weeks of doing absolutely nothin. for the first tme in forever i did my hair and it still looks crappy. i need my hand my wrist my arm back pronto :o( im so fucking bored with life i cant go to the gym on my free time i cant so anythhhhinnngggg afdhbgadfbsg so frustrated. i go back to work tomorrow but im nervous because i dont want to hurt it. UGHHHHHHH
to top this all he got accepted to the school. and im so happy for him i really am. but for me, i feel like i was punched in the stomach. :o( im trying to be as supportive as i can but its so hard. its so hard because im so scared. w/e nvm

ever since i was little i always had a notebook to write in. a journal of some sort. when i became more attached to the computer i would write on there and then live journal came and i moved it to there. and althought i dont write ever day i have had a journal since as far back as i could remember. if i lost one id make another or id find a random sheet to write on. i dont think i get my thoughts out to often. i dont let anyone know whats really going through my head or how much something effects me or or how funny i really did think something was. when i was younger in my early years of high school i didnt tell anyon anything..same thing for my senior year. i didnt talk to any one about anything good or bad. i dont know why. i relyed on writing as a release for me, but i still havnt figured out why it is on because as much as im getting everything out .. i still dont have feedback. i dont let anyone see most of what i write about even if its nothing. idk i find writing a weird release but i'll still continue to do it.

i do not understand. why do people have to put such horrible thoughts into my head. i know what im in store for, ive thought about how everythings going to change, ive thought about it all. and every person i talk to has the same negative thought as the next person. no one thinks it will be able to make it and that thought kills me. its bad enough they dont think it'll, but cant anoyone have a little hope for or with me. two people do but thats about it. it makes me think i should give up hope. but i cant because im aattached but still idk w/e. im just ging to stop talking to people about it because they are all bringing me down

soooo... i fractured my wrist yesterday snowboarding. i was doing really well...on the bunny hill. i was getting the hang of things. after my lesson kevin brought me up to the top and i got to scared i was doing good but the mountain started to get icey and well..i told kevin to go on cause i felt bad not like 10 minutes later i fall down hurt myself and walk the rest of the way down. but im not going to give up...i got a free lift ticket and rentals and lesson so its alll good.

im in this like immoblizer thing and it hurts to do everything and i have to ask fo help and quite frankley i dont enjoy it. it makes you think like how much you need something like that and i give props to everyone who has lost a limb. i know im not that my injury isnt that drastic or a big deal im just saying.